The Chuck Brown Blog

Captain Canada

2010-02-28T23:37:00.003-04:00

For those of you who were wondering... that is a backbacon sandwich topped with a jelly donut on the hockey stick. Excellent weapon to combat a half drunk screaming American eagle who has stolen my poutine. Also I am enjoying a Molson Canadian stubby. And that's a Tim Hortons logo on the sleeve. Oh, and yes, I am riding a beaver.

You don't know THE Sven Kramer?!

2010-02-24T14:48:00.004-04:00

So first, THIS DUTCH SPEED SKATER wins a gold medal... and calls an NBC producer "stupid" because she does not know who he is.

Dude, you might be famous in the rather narrow world of Scandanavian speed skating but on the world stage, sorry, but you ain't exactly Madonna or Cher or even this guy.

Forunately, later, justice is served.

As we say in North America, "Ha," to which I would like to add, "Ha."

World's worst job - ranger at a park inhabited by giant lizards

2010-02-24T08:32:00.001-04:00

Well if you work in a place called "Komodo National Park" what did you think might happen?

Park ranger attacked by Komodo dragon

And - don't say you weren't warned years ago (by a certain clever and giant-lizard wary columnist)

Silence of the Cows

2009-09-09T08:22:00.000-03:00

They're still trying to prove the hypotheses: He who smelt it, dealt it. But for now, there's this...

Seattle Parenting Examiner: Snake eats dog - Python downs a 3-year-old Maltese terrier cross-breed

2009-04-08T12:45:00.001-03:00

Seattle Parenting Examiner: Snake eats dog - Python downs a 3-year-old Maltese terrier cross-breed

Posted using ShareThis

Getting tough on crime

2009-02-19T08:09:00.000-04:00

The long arm of the law reaches way out.
If the wedgie didn't work, she would have had to Wet Willy him. Next step - Noogieville.

Headlines that sound dirty but aren't

2009-01-14T16:21:00.001-04:00

Progressive Ball Position

That's it...

2008-11-13T13:40:00.000-04:00

I'm going to start going to church.

Threat of the day

2008-11-05T12:42:00.001-04:00

ULTRASONIC SQUIRRELS

Quote of the Year so far...

2008-10-27T12:22:00.002-03:00

When I was younger...

2008-10-02T07:49:00.001-03:00

We didn't listen to that rap stuff. We listened to real music...

Who's honouring me now?

2008-05-07T23:31:00.000-03:00

It's not a Silver Sow but I'm humbled. Really. Scroll way down.

Bad judgment or just bad career choice?

2008-05-06T14:31:00.001-03:00

Well, you never see headlines about Drunk Newspaper Editors

No, no, seriously

2008-04-13T00:04:00.000-03:00

That fur does not make your butt look big

It was either shape up, Generals, or...

2008-04-13T00:02:00.000-03:00

add a sixth star

I think I hurt my Spitzer

2008-03-13T22:42:00.000-03:00

Don't send a lame eCard. Try JibJab Sendables!

Who's honouring me now?

2008-03-08T23:15:00.000-04:00

To quote several Academy Awards losers, "It's a thrill just to be nominated."

Having a productive day at work are we...?

2008-03-03T22:39:00.000-04:00

Not anymore

Mmmm...

2008-03-01T00:19:00.001-04:00

Feral bacon

Flight of the Conchords - Business Time

2008-02-19T18:50:00.001-04:00

Merr-Wii Christmas to all

2007-12-19T18:23:00.000-04:00

Merr-Wii Christmas to all

By CHUCK BROWN

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the mall,
A scramble for a Wii, turned into a brawl.
A kindly old grandma got the last one,
Snapped it up in a flash for her little grandson.
Short supply, high demand caused quite a rage,
Like when fights over Tickle Me Elmo made the front page.
We’ve seen this before with Cabbage Patch dolls and Furby,
This year it’s video games, causing the fury.
The shoppers were stunned by the near-empty shelves,
They hoped that St. Nick truly had helpful elves;
For the folks at Nintendo didn’t make quite enough,
Of their video games and other cool stuff.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
The parents were stressing right out of their heads,
With mamma in her ‘kerchief and I feeling like a zero,
I panicked and worried. I couldn’t find Guitar Hero!
What would we do? What would Christmas be like?
When all that’s under our tree is some lame, lousy bike.
We needed an iPhone, to make Christmas Merry,
We needed a flat screen, a laptop and Blackberry.
With these troubled thoughts and maxed-out credit card,
We settled our heads, concerned it might be hard,
To tell the children we tried, but we’re really sorry,
Santa will bring a Wii for Groundhog Day, that’s our story.
When from downstairs there arose quite a fuss and a noise,
We wondered if the kids were snooping for toys.
The children were getting an early head start,
On opening presents while the sky was still dark.
They had toys, games and clothes and some other treats,
From the looks on their faces, they thought they were neat.
“A toothbrush!” one smiled as she reached in her sock.
The delight, I must say, came as quite a shock.
“Cool,” said the teen. “I wanted this book!”
Mamma and I gave each other a look.
Is that all it takes to make the kids smile?
Too bad I didn’t realize that all the while.
I spent money and time trudging through stores and boutiques,
When all anyone wanted was nothing unique.
It’s the thought that counts, it’s the same old song.
I thought they were lying. Boy, was I wrong.
So chill out this weekend, as Christmas Day nears,
Spend time with your family, be of good cheer.
Maybe you didn’t get your hands on a Wii,
Just be thankful for whatever is under your tree.

David Letterman-Paris Hilton-Sept-28-2007-txtshirt.com

2007-10-05T22:36:00.001-03:00

YES!

2007-09-27T19:16:00.000-03:00

Hooray for science!

How do cats really feel about baths?

2007-07-23T01:02:00.000-03:00

Chuck... Now back in Top Five.com fighting form

2007-07-19T22:41:00.000-03:00

We're num-ber three. We're num-ber three...

From TopFive.com

The Top 13 Guesses at the Last Line of
"Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"

13> "Not tonight, Ginny -- I'm watching the Quidditch match."

12> "And lo, Harry's spirit passed forth from the realm of
hardcover releases, and into a series of ghost-written
paperbacks unto eternity."

11> "Holding Voldemort's severed head high in the air,
Dudley sneered at Harry's sniveling form in the corner
and exclaimed, 'No more fat jokes, cousin.'"

10> "I'd like you to meet my new associate, Nearly Headless
Hermione."

9> "Hermione, on the other hand, decided to give up the whole
wizard shtick and become a dancer at a gentleman's club
called The Caldron in Hogsmeade."

8> "Okay, Ron, now it's time for a little Paycheckium Cashicus!!"

7> "It was the same as the last six closing remarks that I'd
heard from Dumbledore: 'If you tell your parents, I swear
to God, I'll kill you in your sleep,'"

6> "Hermione pressed her heaving bosom against Harry and the two
stepped over Ron's smoking remains, mounted his broom and
flew off with hopes of a new life in a land where screaming
orgasms wouldn't incinerate everything in a 50-foot radius."

5> "Harry trudged down the lane, devastated at the news that he
was the only one who'd have to repeat 7th year."

4> "So, in the end, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named was undone by the
love that dare not speak its name."

3> "Harry put a quarter in the juke box on the diner table and
flipped through the song list, finally settling on Journey's
'Don't Stop Believing.'"

2> "Hey, this Bott's Bean tastes like cyani--"

and Topfive.com's Number 1 Guesses at the Last
Line of "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows"...

1> "And then Harry awoke from his dream to find himself still
on the scaffold, with the angry citizens of Salem Village
clamoring for his death."

[ Copyright 2007 by Chris White/TopFive.com ]

==================================================================
"Jokes that must never be spoken!" and "Book, Lines & Stinkers"
The Runner Up and Honorable Mention submissions
for today's list come later in this message.
==================================================================
Selected from 97 submissions from 40 contributors.
Today's Top 5 List authors are:
------------------------------------------------------------------
Sandra Hull, Arlington, VA -- 1 (53rd #1/Hall of Famer)
Steve Huntington, San Jose, CA -- 2
Brad Simanek, Cedar Rapids, IA -- 3, Banner (Hall of Famer)
Chuck Brown, St. Stephen, NB, Canada -- 3
Bob Van Voris, New York, NY -- 3
Richard Skora, Columbus, OH -- 4
Mark Weiss, Austin, TX -- 5 (Hall of Famer)
Dave Goudsward, Lake Worth, FL -- 6
Brandon Eldridge, St. Louis, MO -- 7
Daniel Weckerly, Limerick, PA -- 8 (Hall of Famer)
Dave Henry, Slidell, LA -- 9 (Hall of Famer)
David Zechiel, Lake Forest, CA -- 9
Bruce W. Alter, Fairfax Station, VA -- 10
David Kass, Queens, NY -- 11, 13 (Hall of Famer)
Reid Kerr, Tyler, TX -- 12
Victor Vitek, Hopewell Junction, NY -- Topic
Chris White, Studio City, CA -- List owner/editor
Heart, Seattle, WA -- Ambience
Ambience explained: http://www.topfive.com/arcs_am/am071907.shtml

eBay Item of the Day

2007-06-12T23:26:00.000-03:00

Pleeeeeeaase.... can we keep it?

Unfortunate Name of the Day...

2007-06-12T23:20:00.000-03:00

Paging Dr. Beaver... Dr. Harry Beaver

Worst job ever?

2007-05-16T18:37:00.000-03:00

As in most workplaces, just work hard and try to keep your head above sludgy dung

Hey, uh, people of Montenegro...

2007-05-01T21:14:00.000-03:00

RUN!

Meanwhile, at the New Brunswick Mensa Chapter

2007-04-30T08:30:00.000-03:00

It's all fun and games until someone loses a... ... vital male organ

Headline of the day... so far

2007-04-23T23:29:00.000-03:00

Cop raid over shuttlecock

Defending the Homeland...

2007-04-16T10:00:00.000-03:00

One spiced, cured meat snack at a time

Police say the stolen pepperoni is not connected to this incident

Tired of having an undersized, conservative pink afro wig?

2007-04-16T09:52:00.000-03:00

Then check out our eBay Item of the Day so far...

Hey little fella

2007-04-14T22:45:00.001-03:00

Don't feed the animals... I wouldn't even make eye contact if I were you

As so often happens with squirrel jokes...

2007-04-11T13:49:00.000-03:00

this one ended with a visit from police

Father's Day is coming...

2007-04-03T20:59:00.000-03:00

Hint hint

A picture of Toadzilla is worth a thousand words...

2007-03-27T18:38:00.000-03:00

Like, "Ewww."

Your word for the day...

2007-03-27T18:34:00.000-03:00

Toadzilla

What's another word for...

2007-02-27T20:27:00.000-04:00

Krispy the Elf's Adventure

2007-02-03T16:12:00.000-04:00

Krispy the Elf, who visits the Brown's each year on Christmas Eve, brought along some photos of some of his 2006 adventures - including this dream sailing trip to the Bahamas.

Bon Voyage, Nicholsons

2006-09-18T09:05:00.000-03:00

The Nicholsons set sail from St. Andrews...

Headline to bring me out of blog hibernation... or blogernation... ha!

2006-09-11T11:33:00.000-03:00

Guess who's getting a NEW ORGAN?

Call Arnold Slick in Turtle Creek...

2006-06-30T12:54:00.000-03:00

Mike Lange is done like... oh what would Mike Lange say here?

Whales...

2006-06-20T08:42:00.000-03:00

Experience the majesty, the mystery, the awe-inspiring... is this all making you hungry too?

Terrorism, Dutch-style

2006-06-20T08:40:00.000-03:00

Let's just say it involves "garish orange lederhosen"

Headline of the Day That Makes The Blog Cross His Legs

2006-06-15T09:05:00.000-03:00

Jackrabbits go for nuts

Is there anything beer can't do...

2006-06-14T11:37:00.000-03:00

Now it's fighting cancer... except you have to drink 17 of them a day, something the Associated Press is now calling a "drawback?"

BEST SMOKER PICK-UP LINES

2006-06-11T15:13:00.000-03:00

From Chuck's OUT THERE column in the Guelph Mercury

Ya, I've got a match -- you and me, doll.

Mmmm. . . you smell menthol fresh.

Kissing you is like kissing an ashtray -- and I LOVE it!

I'm a model. That's my mouth on the cigarette pack health warnings.

I may look immature but I have the lungs of an 85-year-old.

Your throaty laugh reminds me of my favourite old Dodge Viper.

You know that song Addicted to Love? Well, that's the way I feel about you. Um, except for the love part. If you replaced the love with nicotine, that would be the way I feel.

I just cut back to two packs a day and I feel like... wait... getting short of breath... must... sit... down.

Wow, I've never seen a man who could smoke in snowmobile mitts.

Gee, your hair smells bingo hall-riffic!

How can I tell if you REALLY like me or if you're just standing close for my second-hand smoke?

I bet you'd look fantastic on a respirator.

You actually look kind of hot when you hork up black phlegm.

Ya, I'm on the patch. Wanna come back to my place and look for it?

I don't mind smokers. I'm not one of those superficial guys who only go for that "youthful, healthy" look.

I'd ask you to dance but then I'd start wheezing.

That shade of lipstick looks really great on your Du Maurier filters.

If you've got the Export A Ultra Lites, honey, I've got the time.

With your hacking cough and my laboured wheeze, we could make beautiful music together.

Hey, nice butt.

POKER NIGHT ROX! JUNE 2006! A PHOTO DIARY! THAT ALSO ROX!

2006-06-08T23:35:00.000-03:00

The following photos chronicle the righteous partiosity of a group of middle aged Canadian men who gather every lunar cycle for a ritualistic bonding known as POKER NIGHT... AT CHUX!

SETTING THE TABLE... POKER NIGHT ROX! JUNE 2006! A NIGHT TO RE-MEM-BER! THE BOYZ ARE COMIN' OVER AND WE GONNA MAKE SOME NOYZ! CAN I GET A HOLLA!

2006-06-08T23:34:00.000-03:00

WOO HOO! WHOOPIE DEE DOO! I CAN'T WAIT TO CALL ALL MY FRIENDS AND TELL THEM TO COME OVER FOR POKER AND BEER!

2006-06-08T23:33:00.000-03:00

WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE NOT COMING TO POKER NIGHT ROX! JUNE 2006!?

2006-06-08T23:32:00.001-03:00

I HATE YOU GUYS! I HATE ALL OF YOU!

2006-06-08T23:32:00.000-03:00

NOTHING LEFT TO DO BUT THINK OF WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN...

2006-06-08T23:31:00.000-03:00

OH, I WISH I HAD SOMEONE TO PLAY WITH. TOO BAD YOU TOTALLY SUCK AT CARDS, EH, KITTY... WAIT A MINUTE... THAT GIVES ME AN IDEA...

2006-06-08T23:30:00.001-03:00

ALL RIGHT, YOUR DEAL... C'MON KITTY, DON'T SHUFFLE THE SPOTS OF THEM, GIMME SOME CARDS...

2006-06-08T23:30:00.000-03:00

BAM! HOW DO THESE THREE ACES TASTE, SUCKA?!
DON'T HATE THA PLAYA, HATE THA GAME!

2006-06-08T23:29:00.001-03:00

KITTY... CAN I JUST HAVE A LITTLE BITE... C'MON, THE BOYS WERE GONNA BRING THE SNACKS AND I'M FREAKIN' STARVING

2006-06-08T23:29:00.000-03:00

AND, LIKE ANY OTHER NIGHT, I CRIED MYSELF TO SLEEP

The 29-pound Fudrucker's burger makes this Blog ask...

2006-05-29T08:41:00.000-03:00

Wouldn't it be easier to just pick up 116 Quarter Pounders at the drive-thru?

Oh, here's a PHOTO

This has all the elements of a great story...

2006-05-29T08:30:00.000-03:00

* A Great Name for a Hockey Team - The Wayward Woodchucks

* A Name I Wish I Was Born With - Shampy Singh

* And the Phrase of the Day that Sounds Dirty But Really Isn't - "Snagging the Hog"